So I am one of those people who uses Facebook. Its a great way to keep up with the family on the other side of the country and I am able to get lost in the millions of cooking and dog videos. However, I mostly use it to store all my pictures. I have all my albums organized perfectly by time period: Junior year, Summer ’15, Senior year, Summer ’16, and College: Freshmen Year. I put any and every photo on my albums as a way for the family to keep in touch and for my pleasure when I’m feeling nostalgic or there is no wifi.
Last night, I was adding the most recent batch and while they were loading I scrolled all the way up and took a walk through memory lane. In the first half of first semester, I was so happy looking! Always looking like I was having a blast through Greek rush, weekends, and even class. I was also sooooo tan, too (God bless the sun). As I scroll, the super happy moments aren’t as frequent and I’m paler. I mean, I’m still smiling and doing stuff, but I just don’t look the same as I did at the top of the album.
As much as I wanted to blame this on the fact that my tan faded, I knew it was something more.
My college experience so far hasn’t been at all what I pictured. You know what I’m talking about, the movies and TV shows portraying the raging parties every weekend and the spontaneous/dangerous adventures and the ample about of friends that you hang with all day everyday. Nope. The first few weeks were fun because it was all new and I was exploring, plus I was going through Greek rush, which kept me busy. But soon the newness wore off and so did the tan. I would go to class, go to lunch at the sorority house, come back do homework, watch Netflix, maybe go see my friends upstairs, and then go to sleep. Weekend afternoons were fun due to football but the nights were mostly just me holding the keys if I was DD or me throwing up all night if I drank (I don’t think its worth it, tbh). Now, some would say that I didn’t have fun on weekends like everyone else because I have a boyfriend and freshmen college girls shouldn’t (that a whole other discussion) (if u think that, gtfo).
I finally starting telling myself that “college just isn’t my thing”.
When I went home for Christmas Break I literally teared up as I entered my town. I know every pothole, every bend, every back road and the memories and people I left here are so precious to me. I was home, finally. Through out the break, I came to the realization ( by talking to my high school friends) that I’m supposed to want to go back to school and I’m supposed to be having a blast and if you tell people you aren’t having fun, you’ll get a funny look and have to add on “but I mean its so great!!!” before they walk away. The weekend before I was supposed to drive back to school, I couldn’t sleep and was nauseous 24/7. I was having an anxiety attack that lasted all damn weekend. Mom sat down with me after noticing what was up and said “depression and anxiety run in the family” and “we can get you on meds”. I was embarrassed and so pissed. I don’t want to be that girl who is on meds because of something in her head, I don’t want to be labeled as depressed, no no no. Hell no.
Deep down, I knew it was true.
So i made a plan:
- No meds. Exercise.
- Go out on the weekend and have fun.
- Hang out with your friends, even if you don’t want to.
- Get a tan.
Its been good so far. I try to go to the gym 3 days a week, which works perfectly because hello SPRINGGG BREAAAKKKK 2017!!!! (gotta be thick af). I went out the other weekend and it was denim themed and I look hot af, danced all night, and actually had so much fun. I go upstairs to see the girls as much as I can, just to keep in touch and I’m working on a tan (its January, I’m not getting far). I’m doing good, better. Its getting better.
Again, its only January, so the Facebook album hasn’t changed much, but I’m hoping by the end of the semester, I’ll be tan and happy again. College isn’t my thing, but I cannot just sit in my dorm and not at least try to make it a thing. You only get to be a college freshmen once, hopefully….
So here’s to drunken nights and spontaneous adventures (and maybe a little Netflix). Here’s to finding your way. Here’s to the sun, for giving me a tan.
I hope you never loose your tan.
All my love & more,
Miss Bradshaw Wannabe